[Insert Clever Title Here]

But I really do love it here in NYC. If any of you are in the Big Apple, drop me a line on Fetlife.com; my name there is screwdriverISL.

These are the top 10 things I will miss when leaving Israel:

1) Thai kids speaking fluent Hebrew
2) Walking in the street with an open bottle of beer
3) Getting drunk on said beer and urinating in public
4) Arsim, yes, arsim: I will miss Jewish thugs
5) Going for a night swim in the Mediterranean
6) Being wished “Shabbat Shalom” by the TV news broadcaster
7) Never having to wonder if my neighbor secretly hates Jews (I know he does.)
😄 Good humus and kubeh
9) Strong women in tight skirts
10) My friends.

Victory!

(Was that mysterious enough?)

War, famine, disease – I have learned to accept the horrors of this world. But every once in a while, something new comes along, something so terrible that I am left speechless. Today, I learned that Jonah Falcon, the man with the world’s largest penis (34.3 cm), is unemployed and living with his mother in a small Manhattan apartment – and, worst of all, not making pornography. Apparently, the 39-year-old Falcon has decided that instead of having sex with bouncy XXX stars he would rather fail at freelance writing.

Speechless.

Someone recently asked me how I would define a BDSM session. After giving it some thought, this is what I have concluded*:

A session is a sexually infused activity that involves domination and violence (either mental or physical or both). It has the appearance of an assault, but it is actually consensual – though not scripted. Think of a pre-session negotiation like ordering at a restaurant. The masochist offers the menu, while the sadist selects the meal.

I would say that there are, in fact, at least three types of sessions:

a. Private
b. Public
c. Performance

The private session is an encounter without spectators. It can be with a lover, a few trusted partners or a pro-domme. These are serious sessions, and they usually involve lots of intimacy, nudity, and sometimes sex (though not with a pro-domme).

By contrast, the public session involves spectators, often in a club. When playing with a stranger, sessioning in a club is safer than going back to his place. Also, it keeps things from getting too intimate. Finally, there’s the thrill of exhibitionism.

In the performance session, participants also show off their skills and advertise themselves to potential partners. But the performance is mainly meant to entertain the crowd, especially the tourists. It might also give the audience new ideas about what they’d like to try at home.

(*I welcome additions, amendments, corrections, etc.)

This Friday, I will attend a training session to practice for my role as a nameless, shambling zombie in a low-budget, indie movie. Of course, as an aspiring thespian, I must strive to understand my character and what motivates him. To do otherwise would be cheating the audience. So, let’s see now, my character’s motivation … well, he likes human brains and hates rigor mortis. That about covers it.

I must buy a riding crop or paddle. Slapping a girl on the bottom is rough going on the hands, and the belt – though it gives off a dramatic, Mean Daddy sort of vibe – tends to get a bit fickle in the actual delivery of blows. Besides, it’s hard to be dangerous and sexy when you’re secretly wondering if your pants are going to fall down!

P.S. I’m totally celebrating the lifting of the gag order on the secret arrest of Walla reporter Anat Kam.

As Israelis, we are not supposed to read about the secret house arrest of a Tel Aviv journalist. But everybody else in the world knows what’s going on.

Wouldn’t it be cool to live in a democracy?

1) Past visions of a future that never was .

2) Aren’t his skinny jeans so cool? No, he’s just another fucking hipster .

3) Do you like jazz, camping and pea coats? Well, then, you just might be white .

4) Ditch the diet .

I love Cake. Yes, they are the ultimate nerd-rock band. But I don’t care. Their lyrics are clever and unpredictable. Take, for example, this stanza from “The Distance”:

No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine,
He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster-truck force.

Also, Cake covers truly unusual topics (classical composers, the economics of rock n’ roll, etc.), but even when they sing about girls and romance, the songs sound like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QanUKH4Csmw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYBl5_sj8ro&feature=related