סקיצות מחיים דיספונקציונליים

In three days the month will be up.
But I let go in my mind. I try to live with no hope and no desire.
I made peace with the fact that I might not see you ever again.

And still I cleared my system as best I could do, but did you?
You said you always chose women that will hurt you,
Repetition compulsion of your primal traumas is what you can’t help but do.
You said you worked hard on changing it, but can you?
Can you deal with someone that would be truly good to you?

You came to me, and I was so happy, thrilled,
Two years I waited. Two years.
I did all the things I wanted to do to you, with you
I still feel a quiver when I remember
You and me in bed together,
your amazing kisses. The way you touch.
It all comes back to me, in my head,
like an erotic movie, again, and again, I watch.
The touch of your soft skin,
I imagined how it would be,
But it was ten times better in reality.
The smell of your body, so clean, like fresh cold milk
that’s the only way I can describe it.
You detest milk. And yet this is how you smell. Delicious.
The smell of your hair, it’s now long gone from my pillow.
But your demons were many.
More than I imagined.
You were way more wounded than me.
You said the thing you wanted the most was a relationship.
But you also said that sometimes you cannot take a good thing that is right in front of you
You do not allow yourself. You fear it.
You fear me, my intensity.
You were drawn to me,
But you always pulled back eventually.
You came and went suddenly.
Your inner currents, storms, took you away from me.
You said that the shadow of my previous relationship was too great,
it was looming over you and me.
Yes you were right.
When you came to me that night.
And you said that you cannot do it anymore,
I needed time to heal from him,
to clear my system, to clear my head.
“maybe sometime in the future” you said
and I know you were right- I cannot plug him out, and plug you right in instead.
But still I argued, disagreed, haggled. I did all I needed to do.
To not forever lose you.
I said- tell me when in the future? (By then I will do what I need to do,)
I will clear my system,
I want my next relationship to be with you.
-A month.
-A month?!

I was alone and finally I was free.
I called you and you came to me

I haven’t written forever because I do not want to give in to the obsession, I do not want to long for you so much. And I still do. You might be the last thing that I ever need, but boy I would take you today, right now body and soul. Or would I?
Because I chickened out.
You took me to celebrate with me, for me, my new degree. Now I am your equal, a fellow colleague, a fellow doctor. And I want to say that it meant nothing for me and that it didn’t impress me or flatter me, the trendy expensive place you took me to, and that you listened to me for three hours straight and you were just asking the questions. You were so curious all of the sudden about my marriage and my childhood and my family. What happened? What’s with this treatment? Or did you just wake up to what I could all along see? but it did flatter me. Somehow between all those couples having their first dates it just seemed right, even me being with a wedding ring on my finger. Even if anyone we knew saw us there, even if. If this wasn’t a date than I do not know what a date is. Maybe this is what led you to do it. When I offered that us meeting a month ago in the romantic park could seem like a date you could have subconsciously thought- you think this is a date? Lat me show you what a date with me is.
Everything I longed for. Everything I needed to know, I knew afterwards. But we did nothing. We just said things, that if we were both single we would date. For sure. In a heartbeat. Because I said that it is better to acknowledge them than to act out. I actually did not ask for your opinion of this I just stated this in other words. That nothing can or will happen while I am attached and fighting for my relationship. Now why did I do that? Why did I chicken out? I would take these damn words back if I could. I am dying to touch you, taste you, smell you. I want you to be mine. Where will all this lead us? What have I done? I just want one more chance and I think I won’t chicken out again. I will take my chances as and if they come. I swear. Or will I ?

After you suggested meeting outside I said- this is it. We are close enough for me to open my mouth and you are just begging me to say something because you can’t. We strolled in the gardens, sat on a tree trunk. I said, listen, we are enjoying this too much. Anyone that will look at us now will say it’s a date. Really? Was all you could say. You were taken so off guard. You couldn’t respond. I told you I was disappointed that you couldn’t discuss it. You were clearly shocked, you just couldn’t go there. I think, not because it was something I had imagined, if it were untrue you would have said so right away in a gentle way I think. Rather I thought that it was because you needed time to digest that this was the undercurrent that was there all the time. How could a smart guy like you be so dumb to his own actions? So I let it go. I knew you needed time. You always answer my questions, but not right away and not right to the point, but you answer. And indeed you did. Toward the end of our meeting in a roundabout way. Good thing I learned this style of yours and I could tease out the answer.

כתבתי לך כי רציתי שתנחם אותי, איזה חיבוק משהו, ושתתחייב לפרוייקט שלנו או שלא. רק שתחליט. נמאס לי מהרגשות העדינים שלך מהפחד שלך ממחוייבות. אני יודעת שאתה נהנה שאני רודפת אחרייך. אבל לי זה נמאס. קצת עובדים אח"כ אתה נח חודש. אז כתבתי- תגיד כן-או-לא. רק תגיד
גם אם לא אז זה בסדר. נו ומה כתבת? כתבת ש"זה רעיון מעולה".
נו ו....??? אגדה. פשוט אגדה.
אוקיי מה שנכון ניחמת אותי, ואמרת שתשמח לעזור לי כמיטב יכולתך.
בעיטה הייתי מעיפה בתחת הגרום שלך.

אמרתי לה- עד סוף השנה הוא יג'נן אותי ככה. למה? כי הוא יכול, כי זה מנפח לו ת'אגו הגדול.
אמרתי- עד סוף השנה אני לא אדע.
והיא רק אמרה-אהה.

סוסה קטנה סוסה בוכה, רועה לבד באחו.
הסוסה שלו נזרקה על ידו והוא הלך הוא.
ואללה מבינה אותה וצר לי על הסוסה הקטנה.
אהבה אותו. הבחורה המסכנה

Dearest…
And in my imagination I release him… not from being my boss, teacher mentor, not in five months, but I literally release him today, now, whenever he will call for me. With my hand and mouth, I have my head between his thighs, he closes them on my cheeks as the pleasure carries him away. I look at him from below and it exhilarates me to do this to him and do it good, and drive him crazy like that.
I have been with guys with huge dicks and it ain’t all that-let me tell you. Too big, it’s like it’s widening me from the inside, and making me too big and loose for my imaginary lover. My imaginary lover has his dick just right so it will not choke me when I release him and then ingest his gift to me. He is not a big man, he is thin, fragile I would say, boyish. His dick is just right to not hurt me too much wherever he puts it, and from him I will have tiny scrawny babies, (with huge dark eyes), babies that will pass through my body without ripping me to shreds. Told you I dreamt of him and me walking a baby carriage together. I know… that unconscious… so unruly, you can suppress it’s contents by day but it will (with a loving foot) kick your butt at night…
ok, Just a random stream of consciousness baby, from me who went completely bananas…

Ok. Ok.. hold your horses. So he left his girlfriend. Right by the time I decided to disengage from him unilaterally. Great. Right by the time I said, fuck it, maybe it’s better that he has her because I cannot really deal with my fantasy becoming reality. That will be too messy. Right at the time I decided that all I want is equilibrium. No more fighting at home.
But I had this new and better philosophy recently, it’s not equilibrium I am seeking but being in peace with myself. All I want is a simple life. One house where I will live till the day I die, big enough to fit my changing needs, I want to plant fruit trees and watch them grow. I want to watch my patients and supervisees grow. A kind of spiritual-relational philosophy in which I do not want to believe in anything. Not god money or happiness, I just want to be at peace with myself and my choices. I want to have good strong relationships with my friends and colleagues, that we nurture each other and help each other grow, and most of all I don’t want to run anymore, to stress anymore. I had enough. Enough pain enough suffering, enough mental anguish. More than I want this men or that men or any man for that matter in my life, I want to be in peace with myself.
Gotta say, looking back I have done exactly that, but at a big price. I do exactly what I love, exactly what I am excellent in doing. Would not do anything else professionally. But no more paying for your dreams with your mental health.
So I gotta admit, it helps some that he is alone again, though now working with him closely, I see that he is far far from perfect. But I don’t care. We’re all works in progress. Keep the people that you like close, nurture them, help ‘em grow, maybe like they helped you grow when you knew nothing. (Everyone included, even my neglected hurt guy), even though me and him my not survive this. I am in no hurry. This is my new philosophy. Things take their course. Things grow and change slow. To where? Who knows.

yes! yes! yes! yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss

I am in hell. Hell I tell you. You keep waiving this carrot at me and you never give it to me. Before I left on another vacation you said that you want to see the pictures and that when I come back we should schedule to meet to work on our project. I fixed the pictures and emailed to everyone. You were the only one who didn’t reply. I called you two days later- that was 5 days ago- to say that we can schedule now. Of course guess what. Why did I even think you were serious. I am furious. I finally realized. That’s it. you mean nothing. You are playing with me for no reason. No reason at all. Cause you can. And all your words, that you have the highest respect to me and that I am a joy to teach. that’s all they are. Just words. Bullshit.
And I decided like the good old Middle Easterner that I am, to disengage, unilaterally. You are not relevant I decided. Nothing you say or do anymore. This time I am firm. Disengagement. No more flirting, responding, taking my time to speak to you and seek your attention. I am done. From now only professional, respectful, polite. The problem is- how do I do that and keep seeing you twice a week and for an hour once every month. How do you grieve for the loss of someone who is still alive? Still talking to you? Unfortunately I had to call you today for a professional matter… just left a message. I had no choice. When you call back or shell I say if you call back you jackass, I will need to use all my restraint to be polite, professional, and not be dragged into a conversation. Oh god. I am in hell.
And now that I have disengaged… I need to look at the things at home, and it ain’t pretty. Yet another one to boggle the mind. My guy loves me and looks perfect on all the stats, perfect on the outside, only I know how living with him can be an emotional and sexual dessert, and all the other big problems. Will it change? Can it change? I just cannot wrap my mind around it that he is so perfect and loves me, and yet I am depressed for a long long time and have this imaginary relationship I fantasize about on the side. So much wasted energy. So much wasted time. I am just a fool and cannot concentrate on nothing. On my research. Cannot get the damn thing over with. Only in 15 days I will be told if I were accepted to another place for the next year. And I want to leave now, but I have five more months to see you. God. I started to read the horoscope. I am agnostic and cynical but I read it religiously every day now, that’s how much I feel lost and that I have no say, no control over anything. Just take my heart and break it, stomp on it. I am in hell.